Farewell Browns
‘I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ That iconic line from the movie ‘Network’ begins to, but does not fully illustrate the current state of my Cleveland Browns support. Exhausted disillusion with a side of hopeless cynicism and the complete lack of a way out in sight is where I am, but I am drawing a line in the sand this time.
I have been a loyal Browns fan for over twenty years, and the cupboard has been bare for that entire time. Since 1999 there have been so many quarterbacks, so many coaches, one great kicker and so many inexplicable new ways I’ve witnessed of how to lose football games. Is it a rebuild if you start the next one before you finish the last one?
Farewell to the Haslams, the first half of my time as a fan was marked by the Browns being drastically outspent by nearly every team in the league with cap space that would only be spent on the Madden video game every year. Jimmy and Dee Haslam invested in the big moves that previous ownership never did, and I thank them for swinging. I also owed them a debt, especially Dee, for not allowing my beloved Columbus Crew to be the second team in my lifetime greedily stolen from Ohio. After what the Watson trade has become, I consider us even.
I hope the Browns get a wonderful new dome stadium that will provide the people of Cleveland entertainment opportunities 12 months a year. When the proposal for the new stadium came out, the usual old school Browns fan pushback inevitably followed. The cold weather is our 12th player, natural grass is the only surface for real football and other tiresome arguments that have led the team to losing every meaningful game on the frozen tundra next to the lake.
Make no mistake, I wish the Browns well, I will always root for them against the Kentucky Bengals and the rest of the division. However, I am not signing on for another 0-16 season, which would now be 0-17. The Browns are now staring down the possibility of that debacle again for the next two seasons. The Jacksonville win a few weeks ago seems like a gift at this point, and this season is a lost cause. Every week that they roll out Watson as the starter is an exercise in insanity.
With Baker Mayfield and Joe Flacco winning games for their new teams, I’ve been getting that Browns feeling I know too well. Like Odell Beckham Jr who fetched a first round pick from us, we ended up cutting him, and he won the Super Bowl that year with the Rams, I can’t do this anymore. Am I supposed to be excited to tank the rest of this season for another quarterback that will need to lead a roster starting at a $70 million dollar cap disadvantage for the next two years? At which point they probably bail on him to draft a new guy, with an over/under of 3 coaches and general managers between now and then. This is a re-run of the Browns, now in syndication on a late night cable network and I can’t do it to myself anymore.
To my two favorite Browns of all time Myles Garrett and Nick Chubb, I thank you for some of the best football I’ve ever seen at those positions. Nick Chubb without injury in Kevin Stephanski’s offense was supposed to be the Cleveland dream and it could have been so sweet. Myles Garrett is the most impactful defensive player I have seen in my lifetime other than Ray Lewis, and for the record I wish he would have torn Mason Rudolph’s head clean off.
As my favorite Bob Dylan so goes, I have been offered, ‘Shelter From the Storm’: Emily just moved to Columbus from Chicago, and I went to a Columbus Bears Backers bar to watch the London game last weekend. The experience of watching a team with hope bludgeon a Jacksonville team that the Browns couldn’t score 20 against was exhilarating. I love football, and I’m not going to stop watching the NFL, so I shed the Browns like I shed another geographical fallacy, Catholicism. I feel as guilt free moving to another midwestern team with a great fan base as my dad probably did when he turned in the Time Warner Cable box and cut the cord.
College Football Idiot Savant Week 7
After adding two wins last week, our season total sits at 8-5 with a week of games to write home about ahead. I’ve been centering my college football chi in order to avoid the election, and my sights are on one game this week. Ohio State travels to Oregon for the regular season game of the year, and I like our odds. It should be a great visual spectacle with the ducks slated to be in an all black uniform and those buckeye stickers always look good under the lights.
Prediction 1: Friend of liveforthepage Zach will suffer multiple diagnosable mental breakdowns during the game. Since I will be watching with him I believe that upon the second false start called against the buckeyes caused by the Oregon crowd will cause him to go Chernobyl in the direction of the television. Let me be clear, although a loss does not put Ohio State out of the playoffs, every college football fan in the country will be watching this game. 2 aneurisms, 1 call for Ryan Day’s job, and more Crown Royal than usual.
Prediction 2: Ohio State will have over 500 yards of total offense. I’m seeing this as a 38-35 kind of matchup and there will be a lot of NFL bodies running around Saturday night, but I think we have more of them. Veteran quarterback Will Howard should be able to handle the pressure of the environment and put the ball where his 5 star receivers can put their hands on it. Ohio State’s duel threat backfield will be key early to lowering the temperature in Autzen Stadium, and showcasing our premier backfield.
Prediction 3: Ohio State proves to be too much in a ‘welcome to the Big Ten’ showcase. I promised you objectivity, and that is why I said 38-35, as there’s nothing more objective from a fan than predicting a push. (OSU -3) Oregon is likely to make the playoff, so the buckeyes could see them again, but this is the pinnacle of regular season college football, 2 vs 3 and where the buckeyes have been before many times. Tell me all you want about how much this roster cost, and then look at the amount of scarlet in the stadium, it just means more to us.
This one should be fun Columbus and outlying world, a couple of pro tips from a local: Order your food early, and extra. If you are reading this and don’t care about the game, take a drive on I-670 or 23N at around 8pm Saturday, just to see them with no traffic. I’m posting this from the campus of THE Ohio State University, across from Ohio Stadium, down through the generations, westward the wagons, across the sands of time, until we…oh look at me, I’m ramblin’ again. O-H!
College Football Idiot Savant Week 6
After a rough week of predictions I had nothing to celebrate but the one-handed catches by the Buckeyes. 6-5 and bleeding losses, at least I still have a perfect Buckeye record to fall back on. The scarlet and grey should win again this week and cover (-18), but Iowa does occasionally cause us problems, so I don’t expect it to be an easy task. However, since they are the best team in the nation, they will be fine this week.
Prediction 1: We check in again on Dabo, who currently has fallen for the first time. Number 15 Clemson faces the empty cupboard that is Florida State, and I believe that they will win comfortably. It pains me greatly to say that, but at least they will be sporting those beautiful orange threads, which will be a theme for the week. Orange is my favorite color, and like any gambler backed into a corner with long odds to come back from, stick with the irrational: Clemson orange wins big.
Prediction 2: The Classic Red River Rivalry should be one of the best games of the day, and I believe it will be a day to shine for Arch Manning once again. I might just have to procure myself a steak by 3:30 eastern for this battle amongst the cattle. Just to ruin it for both of them, I’ll use copious amounts of steak sauce. Texas looks good in a big rivalry game, and regardless of which uniform they go with, they will be the best looking team in the stadium.
Prediction 3: In our culture clash game of the week, number 8 Miami takes on my beloved Cal Berkley. The two couldn’t be more different, like how California pays for every Florida hurricane rebuild, or how Florida is just a risky tax haven with unbearable humidity. I, like Tony Kornheiser, will probably not be awake for the end of this snoozer, but Miami should flex here. Whether they go with green, orange, or white tops, those Miami uniforms will shine under the lights as they win big.
Campus came back to life this week with the recent hurricane rains, and that green bursting of life will also be reflected in my picks this week. If I don’t go 3-0 with a Buckeye sweetener, I’ll eat skyline chili at a future date. This is the week I turn this ship around, and try not to annoy Emily with the amount of games on. If it hasn’t been made clear by previous Columbus Crew posts, I really don’t wanna eat that skyline chili, so I need to be the oracle of Delphos this week.
College Football Idiot Savant Week 5
I had a bit of a rough week with picks in week 4 with USC and Michigan letting me down. However, as a life long Browns fan, we continue. Currently 5-3 for the year and looking for a turnabout, 5-3 may look bad but considering how the Browns are looking like coming nowhere near that record after 8 attempts, I soldier on. Let me be clear, when I say soldier on, I mean like, professional armies, not like the civilians that Benjamin Netanyahu keeps slaughtering.
Prediction 1: UNLV rises above scandal to defeat Fresno State. Without doing a deep dive into the NIL scandal with UNLV that has caused their starting quarterback to enter the transfer portal mid-season, I see no way that this is on the kid. He allegedly got a verbal commitment for a $100,000 NIL deal from one of the assistant coaches, that was never put in writing, and subsequently not paid. How did UNLV pay for all those basketball players on the 1990 National Championship team and not come up with a paltry 100k for their starting division 1 quarterback? I really feel for the player, and especially his teammates, but football is next-man-up, and that 2nd team guy has been taking reps all year too. UNLV circles the wagons and wins close against Fresno.
Prediction 2: It must be week 5 in college football because we have an SEC matchup sure to rile up pitch forks and torches throughout the south. Georgia and Alabama, a top 5 matchup for the ages? I think unlikely, for two equally substantive reasons. One, Nick Saban is no longer the coach of Alabama, and thus people can no longer run 85 yards through the heart of the south on him. Two, I shined up my Nick Chubb commemorative glass for some college beers tomorrow, ’bout them Dawgs, Georgia comfortably.
Prediction 3: Oklahoma State faces off with Kansas State in a tight matchup, Kansas state as 5 point favorites. Let me break this down for you, Rickie Fowler is not the greatest player on the PGA Tour by a long shot, but that guy is such a fan favorite that anyone could root for. He wears his alma mater orange proudly every Sunday event he’s in, and there is a 100% chance that orange will be on the field this weekend. O-K-State-you’re-so-fine-you-blow-my-mind, hey Rickie! Underdogs make life fun, by 1.
I have to admit I’m setting myself up to go 0-3 this week, but I’m having fun with it, and if you wanted expert analysis go to Kirk Herbstreit. Just kidding, he’s been spewing college football 101 for so long he thinks it’s insightful. I hate to disparage a Buckeye, but I will since he sent his kids out of state to Clemson, which is an excellent segue to check in on Dabo. Currently, he has only fallen for the first time. Let’s hope Palo Alto has something to say about him falling again.
College Football Idiot Savant Week 4
I have to admit, it is kinda cool to work where Fox’s ‘Big Noon’ kickoff show is this week. $500 prize for best sign in the crowd apparently, I hope there are a few that give Kirk Herbstreit the business. We start this week 4-1 after Washington State held strong on a goal to go stand to beat rival Washington. I feel good about the first few predictions, so we will stick to that. The bible thumpers were on campus in force this week, but nothing can save Florida State’s soul, so let’s talk about them first.
Prediction 1: This is my game of the week, another culture clash between Cal Berkley and Florida State. I think it would be great if we could get Gavin Newsome and Ron Desantis on college game day this week, the not so friendly banter is exactly what we need this election season. When one of the California academic pillars faces off against what is supposedly Florida’s best football school and its less than a 3 point spread: Root for 0-4! Pile it on scholars! Make me forget Aaron Rodgers went there.
Prediction 2: Texas gets to try out its new Manning toy this week again against University of Luisiana Monroe, Luisiana’s safety school. I saw a rumor that Matthew McConaughey bet $30,000 on Texas covering, and since this rumor is harmless, unlike the one about Springfield, OH, I’m assuming it’s true. This leads me to think about my favorite role he had in his career, because this game certainly isn’t going to hold my attention. Rusty Cohle from ‘True Detective’, no question Texas covers.
Prediction 3: Big Ten early showdown between USC and Michigan. Normally, if these two titans met in week 4 we would be talking about a Rose Bowl preview, but with the college football arms race they are now in conference together. I know I wrote earlier this year that I would keep the Ohio State homerism in check, and I am, but that makes this no less enjoyable. USC gets a, ‘Big win at the big house’ just like the Toledo t-shirts said when I was Junior and we curb stomped UM. Trojans send fans to the exits early.
‘The Taco People’ at my local Taco Bell on Henderson say 56-16 buckeyes this week on their sign. I say that because it’s taking all my effort to work up to caring about this game. Yet another tune up game to check out the full roster of the scarlet and grey, anything less would be a letdown. I don’t know how Marshall gets to 16, but I agree that the Buckeyes cover -39.5. To the Marshall players: enjoy your time in Columbus, nobody checks for recreational purchases at the West Virginia border.
College Football Idiot Savant Week 3
In the wake of a totally nondescript presidential debate this week, we look to the college football weekend once again. As one should, I briefly reflect on the past weeks’ predictions at 2-0. I will also be tracking successful Buckeye win predictions, also 2-0, and as a spoiler alert I’ll be predicting them to win all of their games. I am not one of these ‘looking for attention’ personalities online who will tell you with a straight face that Oregon is going to win the conference, they’re a bunch of quacks.
The first prediction: Washington proves big ten superiority with victory over in-state rival Washington St. I’m not saying by a large margin, but the victory is almost certain. I know Washington has a lot of apples, and as a chronically single guy for most of my life I know about the apple picking date, marvelous. Washington has made the playoff, and Washington State is still in the middle of nowhere, how do you like them apples? Washington gets the girl this week.
Second prediction: Texas A&M wins comfortably in the swamp. Growing up as a college football fanatic, I used to fear, ‘The Swamp’ at The University of Florida. The Swamp lettering on the wall next to the way too overfilled fan section as if to show just how much humanity was in the building. That is all gone now, they haven’t been relevant for years, and Texas A&M gave Notre Dame a run for their money before some of my MAC brethren showed them the door. Florida fans file in fourth quarter fallacy.
Third prediction: Indiana takes down UCLA in first ever clash of cultures. Let’s face it, neither of these schools are known for their football. They both boast of their academic pursuits, UCLA being on the world stage…Indiana, in comparison to Purdue, but we forget about the football. Indiana has a Canadian kid starting at quarterback with a 73% completion percentage, if the people of the corn can accept him, so can I. Hoosier daddy left-coast?
The Buckeyes of course will remain undefeated with a bye this week, although a segment of hardcore Buckeye fans will still be calling for Ryan Day’s job. We are a little too lucky to live in Columbus, if the Buckeyes have a down year, you still have something to do with your weekend. Imagine being a Florida State fan right now and pinch yourself, just a bit of self-reflection for a resting week. Enjoy the off week in the city, consider tuning in for the Crew tomorrow versus, ‘that team down south’ FC Cincinnati.
Oh Baby Crew, Crew Got What I Need
Glory to Columbus, the heart of it all. We have skyscrapers and farmland, diversity and inclusion, amazing food and satiating brew by the growler. We have the world class Ohio State University, we have the anywhere in Central Ohio in 30 minutes living loop I-270. Blue Jackets and Clippers, Easton and Polaris, might make one forget sometimes that the Columbus(Crew) is the greatest team the world has ever seen!
This Saturday will see the Columbus Crew in their fourth MLS Cup final and what is so drop-dead-glorious about it is that they are playing the most beautiful form of soccer that a team can. For the casual observer this is a final to tune into because the black and gold are playing a 3-4-3 agressively offensive brand of soccer. With a myriad of attacking options, this is something to watch (if you liked Ted Lasso and that was your only soccer exposure in the last few years, this style is for you.)
As a former Nordecke season ticket holder, and employee of the old stadium, let me just tell you that the crowd on Saturday is going to be a treat. You will be able to hear the chants and songs over the announcers, with colors aplenty. Let me put it to you this way: Taylor Swift is jealous of our ticket demand for Lower.com Field this weekend. I haven’t seen price gauging like this on the secondary market since Dave Chapelle opened for the second coming of Christ.
As you peer over the sea of supporters who make their way down Nationwide Blvd to the final on Saturday, do not forget that just a few years ago this could have all gone away. ‘C-R-E-W…Fuck you Precourt, we are the Crew’ ringing out on national television still gives me rage thinking about how this beloved institution was almost moved to Austin for greed. #SavetheCrew is one of the most heartening stories I can ever remember in sports, where a legion of fans,(and the Haslams) kept a money crazed owner and commissioner from moving the league’s first franchise.
Wise men say, only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with Crew. My journey with the Crew started with a family outing to Historic Crew Stadium back in the summer of 2005. We had seats near the locker room entrance and were close to the corner flag to see the Crew play the Kansas City Wizards (as they were known then.) Take a couple hours out of your Saturday to tune in with someone you love and see if this is something you too might want to be a part of. Be Massive!
Coverage: Apple TV (Free) Saturday 4 PM.
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