I was first made aware of the sign police when I was taking Comm-2000 at the University of Toledo with Dr. Tucker. I remember his name because on the day we did evaluations, he said make sure you mark that, “Tucker with a T.” I laughed at that one. He was an insightful professor who explained that the French Canadiens were so afraid of English hegemony that they enlisted a group of their police to make sure that every sign in Quebec, the French province of Canada, featured English and French in the same size. Can you imagine if they required that in the bedroom?

This absurdity is culturally unique, and so when I bought some white claws over the border they looked a little different.

Black cherry we all know of course, but, “Cerise Noire” loosely translates to: “The Maginot Line was merely a suggestion.” Do better Trump supporters, this is how you make fun of the French, not with that speaking German bullshit. The French wouldn’t speak that libel if it cost their lives, didn’t you see, “Casablanca?”

Let’s move on, ‘Natural Lime’ or as it’s known in the states, ‘Lime.’ This also has a translation as well for the French impaired:

Lime Naturelle refers to when you think that your language is so beautiful and artsy that you can’t just say, ‘Lime.’ Did you know that the Mona Lisa is around the same size as your margarita glass? More Lime, less smile.

Okay, we all see where this is going, Ruby grapefruit. They are trying their damndest to make this wine. Rose? Pamplemousse? Clearly this is a reference to a moose that Napoleon saw. You know what that moose didn’t say? “Hey Napoleon, Russia’s pretty good at defending in the winter.”

Mango…What to do, what to do…This one was clearly to fuck with us. They wanted me to get in the gutter but I’m taking the high road. Mangue is a stand in for Jean Luc Goddard’s air quotes ‘masterpiece’, Breathless. That was clearly not a film of any consequence. Frankly I don’t even know why they have a film festival.

We laugh at the sign police because French Canadiens want to be just as pretentious as the regular French. Let them. It’s their country, they have a right as a western democracy that elects their representatives to vote their way to French annoyance.

Similarly, we should remember, that despite also being a western democracy that elects our leaders, we can’t support each other. We elect our leaders to divide who gets healthcare rather than making it universal. We elect politicians who have committee seats that film their social media piece, and then walk out of the chamber as their position is eviscerated by the witness they just berated with nonsense. Canada doesn’t have a Marjorie Taylor Greene, no province is that stupid.

Canada fought fascism with us when it became too much for the world to take. On the beaches of Normandy, and retaking Europe. (Including the French resistance) For Christ’s sake Canada sent troops with us to Afghanistan, that’s your best friend carrying you home from the bar. I was on the golf course recently with an Ohioan who referred to Canadian Neil Young as a, “libtard.” and I thought, just like me.