‘Justin, I’m still not sure about that Jerry Rice.’ I wouldn’t want anyones’ existence boiled down to a sentence who meant so much to so many, but to me it was always perfect. My grandmother Marie Hirn was someone to everyone she ever interacted with because she was kindness embodied. My only regret with her was I never gave her any of those great-grandchildren that she thought about and I never wanted, but for that I’m passing the blame to Ryan, Jay, and Cortney in that order.

I was starting third grade and my mother was no longer going to be teaching at the school I attended, so that meant I would be doing the coming and going with my grandma that year. When you’re that age you don’t know why exactly the things are happening around you, but you’re damn sure glad that third grade didn’t mean another nun. Beyond that great realization another one soon formed: that I had the best grandma on the planet that year, save maybe Happy Gilmore.

Marie worked in the cafeteria and we would commute together. She had to be there way earlier than I did, so she would try to pacify me with Doug’s gameboy until it was time to go upstairs. It might have been then that I got my caffeine addiction started, because when the others had coffee, I had diet Dr. Pepper. I’ll never stop appreciating it in retrospect, because not everyone gets to grow up, as I later came to think: ‘A 4-Iron from your grandma.’

During that time it was really the after school part that was most appealing, I would walk or ride back and she introduced me to Hershey’s strawberry milk. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it or had it since, but it was amazing back then. She also had twizlers waiting for me most days, and I lived like a king in that transition. Before my parents picked me up there were a lot of days she spent watching NFL Films she could not care less about, but was always putting the remote in my hand.

I developed my love of my favorite athlete of all time, Tiger Woods during that period, as he played as an amateur. Let’s be honest though, the thing that made Marie an angel was that she would play Tecmo Bowl with me on the original Nintendo. I was a third-grade-asshole: I ran up the score, I tried to teach her, but no matter what Jerry Rice won the day. Looking back on what she left behind, all the wonderful kids that I still enjoy spending time with, Jerry Rice would be glad to know Marie.

I’m going to start this thing where it begins, I can’t thank my parents enough for making me a Buckeye. Unmistakable, from consciousness, (red). Let me get this soccer bit out of the way about how I came to be a Manchester United fan (red), and why Xichigan (blue), or Manchester City (blue) makes perfect sense: solidarity for the right thing. We, as a family, are Buckeyes and let me tell you the story.

One love of Ohio State for me started in 1983 when my parents were married on the day of, ‘The Game.’ I don’t think a score mattered in their mind that day. However, it did to the friends with radios in the congregation. I am assuming that was the only day the church was available, because who could put themselves above, ‘The Game.’ Let alone god? (Who would be a Buckeye) Those wonderful people were Ed and Donna.

Those wonderful people helped put me through college at an Ohio state school, The University of Toledo, who had the pleasure of skewering that team up north while I was a Junior. 13-10 Toledo Rockets at the big house in Ann Arbor, I can’t emphasize this enough: Fuck Xichigan! I took the navy blue paint I got to polish up our basement bar and painted the score above my Xichigan fan roommates door. Fuck Xichigan!

Not only will this year feature top 3 ranking for both teams yet again, but you get to see Marvin Harrison Jr. play football. I don’t really care about the Heisman trophy, as a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan I know that Brady Quinn was once up for the award, and that greatly diminishes it for me. However, if the award means the best player in college football and Maserati Marvin doesn’t win it, give Reggie Bush back his and I never want to hear about the award again.

I lost my grandmother this week and I’m not watching the game with my best friend because we are celebrating my parents 40th on the day of the game, so this one will mean more to me and I’ll never forget it. Grandma Marie is responsible for mothering 4 Ohio State alumni and this year is for her. I don’t have a score, but my prediction is this Buckeye cohort smears the cheating maze and blue all over the field on Saturday. O-H-I-O.

Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of paltry wealth and impeccable taste. Like that maligned lyric from, ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ by The Rolling Stones I am selling something old, which doesn’t necessarily mean bad, despite Gen Z appeals to the contrary. Joe Biden is practically the antithesis of sexy as a candidate right now, but in this country you don’t always end up with a Barack Obama on the ballot and you have to still make a responsible choice to participate in Democracy.

Stop me dead in my tracks when this changes over the next year, but right now we are on our way to having the same choices as last time in 2020 for president. It might seem unimaginable, last time we were voting by mail and fearing everyone in sight in the early waves of Covid 19, the handling of which was an embarrassment. While I give credit to Donald Trump for operation warp speed to create a vaccine, he won’t take credit for it, vaccines are too science based for him to grift on.

Let’s go back further for a moment, in 2016 I felt gross casting a vote for Hilary Clinton. I voted for Bernie in the primary and they were not even on the same planet in terms of their platforms despite both running as democrats, but I digress. The point is when you have a choice between two bad choices, I still implore you to make one this time, because the choice to vote may not be available to you again after another four years of Donald Trump.

In the blood red state of Ohio since August, we have turned out electorally to block a vote to require a 60% majority for amendments to the state constitution, and then to codify abortion access and legalize recreational marijuana. Clearly it’s not that we can’t be a rabid voting base if we want to be, and we need to put Ohio back in play, but what is obvious is that democrats represent the will and opinion of the majority and we need to put that in ink a year from now as a people.

I know that I’m getting old because I’ve now seen two massive movements on the right wing that are essentially branding exercises, how typically corporate. Like the tea party before it, and just as embarrassing and progress defying, the make America great again movement has become dangerous at this point. We are looking at a man in Donald Trump who is running in a democracy to institute a dictatorship, and his supporters couldn’t be happier.

I compel you, I beg you, please turn out next year for the election. It is not hyperbole to say democracy is on the ballot, and when one of the two available candidates is very intentionally evoking the term, ‘vermin’ to speak about his opposition and proposing deportation camps the choice is clear. The road to fascism is paved with millions of eligible voters staying home instead of voting against it. We have the right to determine our destiny by voting, and I’ll take Bazooka Joe over a fascist soon to be convicted felon and you should feel the same way for your own sake.

As the first notes ring out on that iconic guitar song, ‘Ohio’ by Neil Young it never fails to raise the hair on my neck. The angst pours out of that opening guitar solo and somehow a song about 4 Vietnam protesters being killed in Ohio has to carry the same weight today as it did in 1970. Tin soldiers aren’t what we face now, but a Republican majority that has now defied the Ohio Supreme Court’s decision against their electoral map for the 6th time.

To quote another guitar legend, ‘excuse me while I kiss the sky’ because I don’t want to be negative here, this is an opportunity for reasonable people in the Buckeye state. There is an opportunity in November, provided by reasonable people of this state voting in their own interest, and the interest of their children in August on issue 1.

I’m old enough to be one of those people that, ‘Saw the towers fall’ as was pointed out to my girlfriend when a young person asked about her age. I also remember that it was Ohio that re-elected Bush in 2004. That’s the thing though, I know Ohio is a shadow purple state if the circumstances are right, and there are enough votes in the metropolitan counties of the state to drown out the ignorant if we turn out. This November is that chance, abortion and weed, if that doesn’t scream freedom I don’t know what does.

Ohio Issue 1, to establish reproductive healthcare into the state constitution could not be more important. I live in Columbus, and, ‘this our fortress’ as it used to read on the outside of Historic Crew Stadium, central Ohio is our fortress. Abortion on the ballot gets that crucial but fickle Delaware county suburban mom that cares about her daughters vote, and that is tangible. That is something that can translate Ohio into a national discussion when we think about the electoral college in a year.

‘Four dead in Ohio’ is a tragedy, but it doesn’t have to be a legacy. Those people that died that day were out there protesting to make this state and this world a better place as they saw fit. Let us all carry on in that tradition of informed political action and put Ohio back into the purple column, and make Trump or whoever becomes the nominee from that grift show party sweat. ‘What if you knew her, and found her dead on the ground? How can you run when you know?’

The UAW orchestrated a worker strike at 3 manufacturing facilities in Missouri, Ohio and Michigan today, something that has been brewing for months. Although they have already backed down from their initial bargaining point of a 40% wage increase to match CEO salary increases, this is a step in the right direction. It isn’t yet clear how much of an impact this initial strike will have, but make no mistake, the Excel sheet warriors are going to see it.

With the auto industry’s recent trend, like many corporate sectors, of spending a large portion of profits on stock buybacks, this was an inevitable situation. I went to The University of Toledo, and to see the Jeep factory there be on the forefront of this was my education coming full circle. I took American Labor History as a Junior at Toledo and it is so evident to me that the continuing cycle of unbridled capitalism is unsustainable in a modern western society. The same things that were happening a hundred years ago are happening again, and because of our celebration of this economic system, we fight, fight again.

Make no mistake, the Gen Z kids are going to see it too. They are forming, and have been forming, their own political perspectives for years now amidst runaway gun violence in schools and in general. I want to ally with these young people, as one should always want to do to see a youthful perspective in politics. In the face of Vivek Ramaswamy suggesting raising the voting age to 25, where are these young voters supposed to turn to make a difference in their lives if the Republican answer is to silence them?

This union strike, and the rise of interest in forming labor unions in this country is the slow, but necessary microbial rebuilding of the labor infrastructure Reagan destroyed. I would probably be laughed out of the room on the way to filing unemployment papers if I suggested forming a union in my workplace, but that won’t stop me from supporting every effort to move in that direction. Make no mistake, I’m looking at you Bazooka Joe Biden, this is an opportunity.

With all the noise surrounding Trump’s myriad of absolutely justified indictments, Biden has a chance to stand with the UAW, and show he’s not just going to be doing a ribbon cutting tour for the next year. As much as the Inflation Reduction Act seems to be making an impact so far, I think it will have a limited impact on the idealistic Gen Z voters they absolutely need to reach. The American people are industrious, creative, inspiring, and make no mistake: the world is watching.

You might already want to call me a commie for writing something about this very important holiday. You might not give a second thought to even why this is a federal holiday, and just appreciate the day off. Please allow me to explain why in a modern western society this day is still vitally important. Labor Day in early September every year should give you pause to reflect on all those that came before you to make your life better, and why we have to continue fighting today.

When you clocked out on Friday of this week at the end of that long 40 hour toil for some, calling for others, and whether it be a profession or a punishment, that 40 hours was fought for. One of the original international labor organizations’ slogan that rings as true today as it did over a hundred years ago is: ‘8 for work, 8 for sleep, 8 for what we will.’ Make no mistake, organized labor and the people it comprised have made your life today irrefutably better.

Since the origins of the Boston Manufacturing Company, and the Waltham and Lowell mills that were the first mass production facilities in the United States there has been a struggle in American capitalism between ownership and labor. The shift in the 19th century from trade-unionism as a profession and the factory system is a lesser known narrative in American history, but in no way unimportant. The division of labor in many ways began there, and still exists today.

The concept of a weekend, and a 40 hour work week, and overtime pay, and paid time off were not foregone conclusions in the system, but something vehemently fought for by organized labor. Call me a commie again if you like, but everyone, not just those in the organization, benefit from organized labor. This is seen through better compensation and benefits, but also basic things like workplace safety that would be otherwise ignored in a runaway capitalist system.

I am writing all of this today to say, if you have the opportunity to join a union in your workplace, or start one, I strongly urge you to do so. As a proponent of yourself and your family, you would be much better served to participate in a labor organization than to break under the pressure or union busting tactics and fear mongering of your employer. If you do not advocate for yourself, and your co-workers, nobody will.

In light of all the high profile politicians soon to be awaiting the fate of a jury of their peers, I feel like that is not an excuse for not voting anymore. Think about it, you could be sitting in on high level classified documents being presented as evidence or maybe even convict a former President. Jokes aside, I digress, as this is intended to raise awareness of the importance of our Ohio special election in August, and this is a rare case in which direct democracy via the vote may be swift.

I will be voting absentee, as I usually do, as Donald Trump did in his ill advised time in Washington, as many Americans rightfully do. Early turnout numbers seem promising, but this is not one to sit out or assume the right side will prevail. This special election is a shot across the bow by the ridiculous and unrepresentative Ohio State legislature who is trying to push a special election through when they think the least amount of people will participate. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, ‘Ohio, we need to be more like Kansas’ and send a resounding message to the religious right: Get your ignorant hands off my rights.

A ‘No’ vote this August with a significant majority will signal a clear message that can be followed almost immediately by ballot initiatives in November for abortion access and responsible marijuana legislation in the state. Not a fan of the ‘Jazz Cabbage?’ That’s fine, don’t vote to legalize it. Abortion access however is something that every American has a right to under the constitution’s privacy clause, regardless of what justices Beer Can, Private Jet, Godly Wife, and Chief Justice Spineless wrote in the Dobbs case.

More than anything, I want Ohio to not become Florida, we are reasonable people. In a democracy, a majority vote needs to mean a decision of the people. There is no ideological message behind voting no on issue 1, only that you want your vote to continue to matter. Dissolution and disgust of the system is understandable, but is not an excuse for not making your voice heard on August 8th. If you got the reference in the title, I’ll leave you with this: ‘Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!’ Just fucking vote Ohio!

My girlfriend Emily was honestly concerned about us seeing Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds in Cincinnati, because it was my birthday present, and she knows I hate the city. I explained that I would see Noel’s birds play on Neptune if they had Uber, but honestly, the Cincinnati hatred was 90% sporting banter and 10% actual dislike for the city. I went into the weekend with this type of an open minded headspace, I left with that 90% number being significantly altered.

The first 10% dip came when we arrived at the Zoo, which the lovely Emily’s mother aptly described as, ‘All Hills.’ Accurate would be an understatement, the Zoo that killed Harambe is basically an asphalt rollercoaster with you as the human chain. Don’t get me wrong, I am the last person to get a zoo review from, it’s not my thing, but the Columbus Zoo puts this glorified stair master to shame.

The second 10% dip came the next day after mini golf at a soon to be abandoned mall on the east side. This was July 1, but I was wearing my Columbus Crew pride shirt, as one does on any day of the year as an ally. Thankfully Emily didn’t alert me as it was happening, but one of Cincinnati’s finest troglodytes gave me an intentional dirty look for having the audacity to wear a shirt with a colorful, ‘Love Unites’ on the front of it. I wasn’t expecting the Short North, but I also wasn’t expecting much.

The third 10% dip came when the local moron in front of us at the show turned around to voice her displeasure about someone blowing on the back of her neck. I don’t think I have to explain to my readers that at an outdoor venue, air can move through, and so I responded to her with, ‘Are you trying to talk to me?’ because I genuinely could not tell. The stupidity of turning around to semi-accuse me of such a thing, as my arm is around the woman I’m with is well…to quote Lebowski: ‘Well I guess I’ve seen something every bit as stupefying as you can see in any of those other places, and in English too.’

The fourth 10% dip came when I realized early Sunday morning that I had miscalculated. After experiencing Cincinnati for 3 days and 2 nights, I gave it too much credit initially. So we are now at my objective 50/50 level of justified hatred and sports hatred, so it’s safe to say I will not be back any time soon. I don’t know how my extended family has lived in this part of Ohio for so long, and I feel for them all.

If you like Cincinnati, let me just drive an indelible stake into your, ‘Pro-Cincinnati’ stance: The Creation Museum. I know it’s on the Kentucky end of town, but of course, ‘Love Unites’ folks on the border, especially if they’re blood related on the Kentucky side. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Cincinnati who have to live there every day. If Cleveland is the, ‘Mistake on the Lake’ then Cincinnati is the, ‘Miscarriage on the River.’

As a child of the nineties I will readily admit that there is a direct correlation to the American Express advertising campaign with Jerry Seinfeld and the reason I have one today. Fast forward another few years and another great ad cycle in a new format that added even more humor from Mastercard, mint. Add in the fact that I have worked for Discover Card in the past and you’ve got the ABC’s of me, with credit cards at least. Visa is too ubiquitous to merit comment, enjoy your place at the top.

Of course I didn’t understand anything about the comedy of Seinfeld when I saw the ads, most likely from watching golf with my dad on Sundays, but I got the joke. The gas station commercial where he does a, ‘perfect pump’ to $20.00 even, eyes the obsolete, (except in Oregon apparently) gas station attendant and then intentionally pumps more is a masterpiece. As the attendant opens his palm for the change, Jerry reaches into his jacket pocket and pays at the pump with his glowing green Amex.

The value of anything is relative, but that kind of mindshare you cannot buy. I recently found out that I crossed paths with another force in the universe that some could say money cannot buy: Taylor Swift in Cincinnati. I’m sure there’s a Cincinnati post coming, as I have thoughts, but I digress. The Ticketmaster fiasco was horrible, and as a music lover I am compassionate. However, that may not be reflected in my experience with the crown jewel of Appalachia this weekend, and with Taylor also being there.

She sold out the NFL stadium twice, with the lowest priced tickets on the secondary market being over $1700.00 when I looked today. That’s not what has me bothered, it’s that it made everything else in this ill equipped pseudo-metropolis worse for the weekend. Finding a hotel deal was a like pulling teeth from a shark, and even though our events aren’t close to each other, (8.7 Miles) it made it a headache. I just want to be Fearless and express that it was not the Love Story I had planned for our weekend together, although through her lyrics I have come to know I wouldn’t be the first to have that experience.

Anyway, my Mastercard commercial goes like this:

Two nights in an overpriced hotel in a city you loathe: $425
Gas to drive your Prius past the, ‘Hell is Real’ sign and get a belly laugh: $19.52
The beer your girlfriend didn’t want, but, ‘this is your birthday present…so, sure.’: $13
Concert tickets to see your favorite artist play a better show than Taylor Swift is simultaneously: Priceless.