Joe Biden has now told us that if, ‘God Almighty’ told him to step aside, that would be the bar for what it’s going to take. Since over 30% of millennials identify as atheist, I’m speaking directly to my godless brothers and sisters with this plea. Since god isn’t real, what if one of us cleverly disguised ourselves as white christian god and sent Bazooka Joe a personal note? I’d probably use e-mail, because I think he would understand that, for Gen Z, e-mail used to be how you got messages on the internet.

======Codeword Classified
Eyes Only: Joe Biden
Office of St. Peter
1 Pearly Gates Ct.
Heaven, Univ.

Joe,

This is your Heavenly Father responding to your thousands of requests. No, this isn’t about Amtrak, something far more important has come up. I want to start by saying you have represented the Catholic faith like a champion for over 7 decades, and that’s a lot to ask. I’m taking the time to look into your personal salvation for your service to me, and to your fellow man. St. Peter will greet you and Jill at the gates in a few years, you’re on the list.

Later in a persons life, one may ponder their influence on the world, yours has been an existence for the benefit of humanity. Your first term stacks up very well in terms of legislative accomplishments, weathering the storm, and your most important job: not allowing Donald Trump to win the presidency. I know I gave you people free will, but Jesus Christ how could anyone vote for that monster? Anyway, history will remember you fondly if you heed my word.

As some of your loved ones, and too few of your staff have probably disclosed to you by now, you need to step aside. This is new testament almighty God talking, I’m not going to ask you to kill your own son, and then just be like j/k rofl. No, Joe, I am simply asking you to give your delegates away to the party so that we can continue your work into the future. I’ve got some fabulous ideas for the rapture, and don’t worry you will be up here by then. We can watch together, and I’ll even give Hunter a pass if you comply.

Sincerely,
Catholic God