My girlfriend Emily was honestly concerned about us seeing Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds in Cincinnati, because it was my birthday present, and she knows I hate the city. I explained that I would see Noel’s birds play on Neptune if they had Uber, but honestly, the Cincinnati hatred was 90% sporting banter and 10% actual dislike for the city. I went into the weekend with this type of an open minded headspace, I left with that 90% number being significantly altered.

The first 10% dip came when we arrived at the Zoo, which the lovely Emily’s mother aptly described as, ‘All Hills.’ Accurate would be an understatement, the Zoo that killed Harambe is basically an asphalt rollercoaster with you as the human chain. Don’t get me wrong, I am the last person to get a zoo review from, it’s not my thing, but the Columbus Zoo puts this glorified stair master to shame.

The second 10% dip came the next day after mini golf at a soon to be abandoned mall on the east side. This was July 1, but I was wearing my Columbus Crew pride shirt, as one does on any day of the year as an ally. Thankfully Emily didn’t alert me as it was happening, but one of Cincinnati’s finest troglodytes gave me an intentional dirty look for having the audacity to wear a shirt with a colorful, ‘Love Unites’ on the front of it. I wasn’t expecting the Short North, but I also wasn’t expecting much.

The third 10% dip came when the local moron in front of us at the show turned around to voice her displeasure about someone blowing on the back of her neck. I don’t think I have to explain to my readers that at an outdoor venue, air can move through, and so I responded to her with, ‘Are you trying to talk to me?’ because I genuinely could not tell. The stupidity of turning around to semi-accuse me of such a thing, as my arm is around the woman I’m with is well…to quote Lebowski: ‘Well I guess I’ve seen something every bit as stupefying as you can see in any of those other places, and in English too.’

The fourth 10% dip came when I realized early Sunday morning that I had miscalculated. After experiencing Cincinnati for 3 days and 2 nights, I gave it too much credit initially. So we are now at my objective 50/50 level of justified hatred and sports hatred, so it’s safe to say I will not be back any time soon. I don’t know how my extended family has lived in this part of Ohio for so long, and I feel for them all.

If you like Cincinnati, let me just drive an indelible stake into your, ‘Pro-Cincinnati’ stance: The Creation Museum. I know it’s on the Kentucky end of town, but of course, ‘Love Unites’ folks on the border, especially if they’re blood related on the Kentucky side. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Cincinnati who have to live there every day. If Cleveland is the, ‘Mistake on the Lake’ then Cincinnati is the, ‘Miscarriage on the River.’