3/31/13 Andrew X
‘Why did he take it with his left?!’ Andrew exclaimed after a FIFA video game player missed a shot early on in life as I recall. To which his father could not believe that he knew the dominant foot of the player taking the shot in something so insignificant as a game. The semester I lived with him, we played more games of FIFA soccer than could be approved of by the FDA, CDC, FBI, or anyone really. Liverpool vs. Chelsea, his relentless Frank Lampard attack against my Steven Gerrard counter-attack, he would play guys out of position because it would affect me. ‘Heady’ in the best way.
When we weren’t screaming obscenities at each other about soccer that semester, we were making our own Guitar Hero songs as a prologue to our future band years. I bought the Squire Bullet guitar I later sold to him that semester to teach myself how to play. We still have the best cover of The Who’s, ‘Baba O’Riley’ on YouTube. More on that in a moment, but we were from the beginning in it for the love of music, and as long as there was another beer within arm’s reach the chords kept playing.
Andrew moved on to Ohio Northern University and I had a guest pass to the, ‘Delphos House’ there. A more likable group you could not put together organically, by sheer force of beer pong and will, they persevered. One of the house’s favorite drinking games was, ‘Pop Culture.’ Beautiful in its simplicity and everyone could bring something to the table and play, really the way we all felt about each other and life at the time. Like Maya Angelou said, ‘people will forget what you said at the Ada house, people will forget what you did at the Ada house, but people will never forget the way the Ada house made them feel.’
Going back to soccer again, I have to mention this memory to balance this with what comes later on the Chelsea front. The 2007/08 UEFA Champions League Final, the, ‘Super Bowl’ of soccer was played between my Manchester United, and his Chelsea. We watched it together, agonizingly, to its’ post 120 minute conclusion. My recollection is when it got to the penalty shootout, we both were on our knees, hiding behind the couch, so afraid of watching the result. The penalties went in my favor 6-5 for Manchester United, despite a missed one by Andrew favorite Christiano Ronaldo. Glory, Glory Man United!
Moving on, by senior year, Mark, Geoff, Andrew, Kurt and I were the band Disagreeable Henry. The beer pong room was requisitioned to be the rehearsal room, and as Mark insisted, we got songs, ‘polished.’ We played two shows at Little Mexico in Ada, but the life experiences were in the practice space. While the others were working a few things out, Mark and I made the tree stump just outside the room our personal Neil Young stage to each other. We never played a Neil Young song as a band, my remembrance of this is the Andrew quote, “‘Heart of Gold’ isn’t a panty peeler.” Despite this, we kept on, ‘Rockin’ in the Free World.’
Going back a bit, the most affectionate name I’ve ever been called is, ‘Dude’ by my best friends after we became obsessed with referencing the movie, ‘The Big Lebowski.’ We called Andrew, ‘Walter’ although he fit the character the least between the three of us, Adam, ‘Donnie’ being the third. Andrew would call me, ‘Duder’ and every manner of the expression for my remembered life after we became fans of the movie and got together to make White Russians and jokes together. We went to Catholic school for 13 years, and despite all the scripture, nothing comes close to the ethos: “Nobody fucks with the Jesus!”
He loved the original Matrix movie, like I did, for both the visual and philosophical reasons. I also tried to introduce him to as many of the great movies I was exploring while I was minoring in film at Toledo. I screened him Sidney Lumet’s, ’12 Angry Men’ and in another existence I hope he was thinking about that jury every time he would have been defending someone as the greatest lawyer in existence. How many dollars per hour? Andrew dollars per hour.
There is nothing I can say to fix the hurt. In the spirit of movies, however, take the quote from the end of, ‘Saving Private Ryan.’ ‘Earn this…earn it.’ His death was like all the heartbreak and loss that went into saving private Ryan in the movie. To move forward without him we must earn this life we are so lucky to have. Everyone should be doing something every day to earn this, this existence that he doesn’t get to have. Not out of guilt mind you, but for the love, for the love of life he so consumed in every way he could. Count us in, 4/4, I wanna play a few more bars for you, brother.
‘Blue is the Colour’ – I wanted to pay tribute to Andrew and his favorite team, Chelsea FC, that I loathe. Their anthem is this wonderful collectivist chant: ‘Blue is the Colour.’ So I continued to tweak this song over the last 10 years and I hope you enjoy.
Just (Be Rational)
‘You do it to yourself, just you, you and no-one else.’ That was the Radiohead lyric that came to my mind as I was reflecting on America’s most recent school shooting yesterday. The new, ‘Only in America’ tagline is no longer the moniker for inspiring stories of success, but of the irrationally tragic gun violence that only exists to this extreme extent here. The cause of death for children in this country that is most likely is from guns, surpassing auto fatalities and all cancers and deadly diseases. You would think we would have learned from Columbine, or Sandy Hook, but this exists as a largely one sided political problem.
Republicans in both chambers of Congress have torpedoed every attempt at responsible gun legislation for my adult lifetime behind the monetary backing of gun lobbyists. With each passing tragedy, nothing is able to penetrate the wall of strategic indifference to a national epidemic. We don’t know all the details yet, but a 28 year old woman was able to wander into a school with not one but two assault rifles and a pistol to murder 6 people before being killed by police. I hesitate to even write this today, because I could probably end up doing the same post in two weeks.
While cozying up with Wall Street is a bipartisan elixir, gun regulation is not, and we need to start holding these out of control conservatives accountable for the damage they are doing to our society. They frequently malign statistics by citing total numbers instead of per capita numbers about gun violence and murder rates in cities run by Democrats. This is something often quipped by presidential wokeful Ron DeSantis, despite the fact that the murder rate is higher in Florida than either New York or California. He is actively pushing a permitless carry law, so you may be seeing a lot more of those, ‘Florida Man’ stories in the news.
Lauren Boebert, a lunatic representing Colorado (Yes, the Columbine state) stood in congress to declare that Americans possess 46% of the guns in the world, and followed the statement saying, ‘I think we need to get our numbers up boys and girls.’ This kind of idiotic sentiment is far too pervasive among the far right. Marjorie Taylor Green, a lunatic representing Georgia said, ‘If Steve Bannon and I had organized that (The January 6th Assault on the Capital), we would have won. Not to mention, it would’ve been armed.’ After backlash she claimed it was sarcasm, but this kind of rhetoric from elected officials is dangerous.
I’ll be driving through Indiana again tomorrow so how could I forget Mike Pence, ‘The truth is, the most violent and lawless cities in America have the most stringent gun controls.’ Despite all of the negative press that Chicago gets, Indiana actually has a very comparable homicide rate to Illinois (11.2 and 9.7 per 100,000 respectively). The point he is trying to make is also obliterated by the fact that 66% of the guns used in crimes in Chicago come from neighboring states with weaker laws like Indiana. I’m not being hyperbolic to say I’m more worried about being shot at a gas station in Indiana than I am on the Chicago Metra.
The truth is that an assault rifle serves no civilian purpose but to commit mass homicide, and we should all be voting in the direction of re-instating the national assault weapons ban. On my bucket list next to Medicare for All is a national mandatory buyback program to get these weapons out of mass circulation, but that is a pipe dream. Locally, we should all work to support candidates who enforce ‘Red Flag’ laws that would drastically reduce incidents of domestic violence. We can make progress together if we try, ‘If I had a gun, I’d shoot a hole into the sun, and love would burn this city down for you.’
Mary Magdalene Must Have Been a Great Listener
I was having such a good Sunday, Manchester United advanced to the Semi-finals of the FA Cup, and I talked to my loving parents. I start watching Nascar at one of my favorite speedway tracks, Atlanta, and Denny Hamlin, my Toyota guy is leading. Then it goes to commercial and I am once again bombarded with the, ‘He Gets Us’ campaign. I am confused and frustrated by this advertising idea, it is something superfluous and illogical coming out of the right wing the way that usually left wing organizations are accused of things like, ‘Give Peace a Chance.’
I am not writing this to dispute the existence of Jesus Christ, just to provide a critique on the latest attempt to monetize and completely destroy his message as is described in the New Testament. Preface: I’m about to say a bunch of horrible things about religion because from the bottom of my L3 vertebrae I believe it is detrimental to the progress of humanity. My position for many years has been, call him Jesus Christ Philosopher, without the miracles, and I have no problem. I agree with much of the New Testament and adamantly believe Jesus, if resurrected again, (Christ, can we let the man sleep?) would be a Bernie voter.
What I cannot accept is the hijacking of religion in the United States to serve a political goal. This is what the right wing has been sanctimoniously doing for my entire lifetime, and it is despicable. The saying shouldn’t be, ‘As American as apple pie.’ The saying should be, ‘As American as the separation of church and state.’ Building on the greatest thinkers of all of history, the founding fathers created an imperfect republic that has endured over 300 years. Don’t swallow that bit from your preacher about this being a Christian nation, it was explicitly not. The early law of the United States shares don’t kill and don’t steal with the ten commandments, get over yourself, theologobats, or do I wanna say theologicians?
If I have to burn in eternity because we both read the same texts and they came to the conclusion that America is Christian and I came to the conclusion that we can be free from the intentional suspension of critical thinking that is faith in religion, I will take that chance. Growing up Catholic was so frustrating if you had 20 brain cells in your head during my timeline because it wasn’t even the child abuse that’s been going on for centuries, but the fact that our junior religion textbook had one paragraph on the crusades. I can’t let it go, religion forces you to be less than you can be mentally and when weaponized is dangerous.
I never want to crucify anyone, and if you want to have your religious candy because that is what gets you through the day, that’s fine and that is the right afforded to you by the constitution. However, when you do serious damage to the country, like electing Donald Trump, and getting 3 unqualified, lying justices put on the Supreme Court, that is a problem. The affected rights and healthcare of over 50% of the people in the country will have something to say for many years to come. I cannot believe that this is the way that this ends, but if you were trying to keep the country safe and secure with your vote in 2024, ‘What would Jesus do?’
Gimme Fuel, Gimme Five, Gimme That Which I Desire
‘Where the Streets Have No Name’ is my first musical memory in my Delphos home because I have parents with taste in a wasteland of country music. If you ever find yourself in an argument with someone who is a country fan and they are trying to legitimize that mess, I have found a tried and true, ‘kill shot’ argument. Simply, either in your most sarcastic, or maligned hick accent voice, tell them, ‘She thinks my tractor’s sexy!’ If they give pushback, simply continue in the same voice, ‘It really turns me on.’ For me, 100% of the time this has ended the argument, and then you can talk to the person about their favorite SEC team.
‘Semi Charmed Life’ by Third Eye Blind was the first song I can remember that inspired a hope to get out of small town nowhere. Not because of the lyrics, about your girl coming around and (Radio edit: being very friendly to you). I want to be clear it also wasn’t because it introduced me to the concept of the drug crystal meth. It was because I remembered hearing it when we would go to the relatively close semi-city of Ft. Wayne, or the real city, Columbus, on the radio. Years later when I got the album I realized it was one of the best of the 90’s and I knew young me had a good ear. Covering, ‘Jumper’ was never anything short of a pleasure.
‘Hash Pipe’ in 2001 was my introduction to Weezer, I’m as confused as you are as to why it took that long. It bashes you in the face in the first 10 seconds with that power chord blast and falsetto opening, when the music video came on I was like, ‘Who is this and how can I be a part of it?’ This of course led me to back track to the Blue Album and Pinkerton as soon as 2001 bandwidth would allow, and what a treat that was. Weezer/Foo Fighters was my first concert, and as the fella says, ‘So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin’ like the good lord gypped me.’
‘Yellow’ was my introduction to Coldplay, and unfortunately back then where I am from you had to hide the fact that you liked them. This was certainly not helped by the smash comedy hit ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’ scene from 2005 where the lovable Paul Rudd states, ‘You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.’ Despite the ignorance I was surrounded by, there was no amount of homophobic slurs hurled in my direction that would have stopped me from loving the Parachutes album. ‘Yellow’ is simple, with a great guitar hook right away, and is basically perfect as a song.
‘Enter Sandman’ and ponying up five dollars American at Walmart to get the Metallica Black Album this month was what I would consider a sign of personal growth. I’ve always had an apprehension toward Metallica because I don’t consider myself a metal fan, but I have forever, as any guitarist should, appreciated the musical aptitude. So after reflection, limbering my mind, and turning it up to 11, ‘Enter Sandman’ is fucking legendary. The guitar is great, the relentless energy of it is great, I’m a sucker for the wah-wah effect, just a banger to the end.
Desanctimonious or Ronnie Dangerous?
Let me start where it begins with the, ‘Stop Wrongs to Our Kids and Employees Act.’ Signed into Florida law April 22, 2022 by the dishonorable governor Ron DeSantis. This is one of the most horrific pieces of Florida legislation in competition with House Bill 839, which bans local governments in Florida from requiring gas stations to add electric car charging stations. Ronnie, I’m not asking you to be progressive, but you are more and more making me wish for climate change to put your state more under water than it already is. Every time the blue states bail you out from a hurricane you seem to have some pretty white boots though.
This week it’s news that publishers of Florida public school textbooks are having their social studies textbooks scrutinized now. As a history major this is extremely troubling to me considering the lengths that these textbook makers are taking to comply with your obscene law. It was reported that a publisher so diluted the story of Rosa Parks and the struggle for civil rights in response to the law to this text: ‘Rosa Parks showed courage. One day, she rode the bus. She was told to move to a different seat. She did not. She did what she believed was right.’
No, I know what you’re thinking, that was a real attempt at complying with Florida’s law to avoid hurting little white kids’ feelings. Should they ever be so bold as to read a real source on the smartphone they possess, imagine their discomfort! Maybe Ronnie Dangerous should have it on the agenda to ban smartphones with internet access from aspiring learners who don’t want to be in the dark until they complete their K-12. Keep in mind, by then, they would probably be irreparably stupid, pregnant, and trying to get on the public assistance you don’t want to provide.
Just for fun, to lighten the mood. Let’s dilute some more history for Florida’s youth. On 8–9 November 1923 in Munich, Germany a young Adolf Hitler during an incident called the, ‘Beer Hall Putsch’ the Nazi leader led an attempted coup, (edit: visit to a government building) and improved his public speaking skills and satisfied his followers with a nice speech. Then from 1939 to 1945 German football clubs had frequent hooligan fights with other clubs of Europe, Paris Saint Germain hooligans didn’t put up much of a fight, but the English Premier League held their own. Eventually, even though the United States didn’t have a league at the time, they allied with FC Lokomotiv Moscow hooligans to calm the Germans down. Adolf Hitler died from a Tylenol overdose.
Maybe you can see how ridiculous that is, but it’s not that different from the previous differentiation from reality. I have had next to no desire to go back to Florida, but I have none now, not even TPC Sawgrass. Taking Disney’s self governance away so you can pay for it? Black Little Mermaid was that traumatizing? It used to be Florida for the no state tax, and I got it, you cheap assholes that don’t want to contribute to society. Now that it means announcing yourself as a racist, ignorant, white supremacist haven, how much do you like Ronnie Dangerous now?
Fox On The Run
‘Fox On The Run, your scream and everybody comes runnin’, take a run and hide yourself away.’ I have to agree with the 1975 Sweet song if I was a lawyer advising Fox News on their landmine filled future. As more private messages are revealed to the public about the stratospheric gymnastics that Fox hosts were doing on air vs. their actual feelings, I have to quote The Hives and say, ‘Hate to Say I Told You So.’ This may never reach a Fox News viewer and that’s fine, but I hope they know the level to which they have been duped.
My distaste for Fox News as a propaganda arm of the Republican Party goes back 25 years to when I first started paying attention, and the caviar appetizer was my high school speech teacher telling all of us that, ‘The O’Riley Factor’ was a good example of something balanced. Hold on, I need the Stones now, ‘Gimme Fucking Shelter!’ There was no greater example in the early 2000s of an entitled white man claiming bullshit ideology about how working hard was all you needed to do to be successful in America and completely ignoring what I’m about to get into.
I’m so sick of it being called, ‘woke.’ I would refer to it as, ‘awake.’ As in, I was awake when I was reading about our history as a country, and when I was in college classes giving months worth of details on the subject. I’m sorry this makes you uncomfortable Florida white people, but this country was built by the genocide of the people who already lived on this continent and the early economy was based on systemically enslaving Africans beginning in 1619. Maybe if you step out of your retirement communities for a minute you can, ‘woke’ the fuck up.
Back to the Fox on the run, Tucker Carlson is one of the most detestable media personalities in history, and he went over the line again this week. While his company is in the midst of a 1.6 billion dollar lawsuit he decides to show the highlights of his 40,000 hours of January 6th footage given to him by McCarthy to lie again and come to the conclusion that it was a tourist visit. That there was minimal violence at all and the Qanon Shaman should be released. Cherry picking small clips does not remove what I saw live that day, and to insult your viewers’ intelligence shows that you are without a doubt the worst thing to ever come out of La Jolla, CA.
Tucker, as Jon Stewart so aptly put in 2004 on your show Crossfire, ‘You’re hurting America.’ Your show was quickly cancelled after that and I hope the same fate is in the near future for your show now. The amount of bad information and intentional deception on this network is, I hate to say, not that surprising to me. Their viewers have consistently scored the lowest when current events questions are asked of any news outlet, and I hope they lose the lawsuit. I gotta go to The Clash for this part, ‘You start wearing blue and brown and you’re working for the clampdown.’ Since, ‘woke’ has been highjacked, I wanna say then why can’t we stop calling them MAGA and start calling them the fascists that they are?
The liveforthepage Podcast Episode 6: Zach
The semi-pro comedian best friend Zach joins me again, mostly for impeccable sports talk. I hope you all enjoy!
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