When I started speech class, essentially debate, as a required course during high school I was told by our teacher that ‘The O’Riley Factor’ presented an excellent model to emulate. I had already been regularly watching ‘The Daily Show’ for a few years and I tuned in to see what he was talking about. I have a vivid memory of him asking us, “Who runs America?” I raised my hand and said, ‘the big corporations.’

I would pay an unreasonable amount of money to have a meme of this instructors’ face as he simultaneously could not fathom the answer he had just received from an eleventh grader in the middle of nowhere Ohio and was shaking off whatever brand of whiskey was in his coffee. He responded with something to the effect of, “Well that’s true, but…” and then continued with whatever he was intending to say before he was unexpectedly interrupted.

That is Jon Stewart in a nutshell. If you were fortunate enough to have Comedy Central, you were exposed to a light in the dark. Before I knew anything about his political affiliation or my own, I knew he was funny. Even being as young as I was when I started watching, I could appreciate absurdity or irony like any other teenager, and with an open mind and loving parents that blossomed into liberalism in a wasteland of ignorance.

This was a catholic high school which brought with it all the conservatism, stupidity and circumstance you would expect. Another story from the same year, 2004, that I love to tell is how I fulfilled my four hour service requirement for our Junior religion class that quarter. Terrified, but emboldened, I volunteered for a total of four hours cold calling voters for the John Kerry campaign. If it isn’t immediately obvious how big of a middle finger this was, he was pro-choice, and our school paid for kids to go on a bus to Washington every year for the ‘right to life’ march.

My best friend and I wore Kerry/Edwards buttons around school outside of the speech teacher’s class for fear of academic consequences, and responsibly, our parents stopped us from wearing our, ‘Impeach Bush’ t-shirts to school. Jon Stewart allowed two kids that were vastly outnumbered numerically to feel a collective confidence that there was somewhere bigger and better that we could strive to be a part of.

The following year, I started the Democratic and Independent Club along with some like minded peers and a supportive, enthusiastic teacher. There were around fifteen of us in a school of three-hundred, and we met after lunch periodically to discuss politics and the news of the day. None of this would have been possible without the guiding influence of Jon Stewart.

To this day my yearning for truth and the views I seek out to row down the tumultuous river of American life are rooted from the start with Jon Stewart. Luckily others have continued in his lineage, most notably John Oliver with, ‘Last Week Tonight.’ They pay homage to his tradition of truth and comedy as The Kennedy Center honors him with the Mark Twain award for humor this month.

There aren’t a lot of public figures I would genuinely like to say, ‘thank you’ to, but Jon Stewart is one of them. His ability to inspire a generation of what O’Riley frequently called, ‘stoned slackers’ is a testament to not only his greatness but to the possibility of hope and thought as his legacy.

After arriving home from the doctor’s office today I was informed of the decision. I didn’t want to share every meme I liked because this is more important than that. After taking time to think about it again, I couldn’t help but be furious that the same right to medical privacy I had just been afforded would no longer be offered to women by the law. 

It doesn’t matter what I was there for, that’s not important, what is important is that a woman has a right to choose what she does with her own body. This is something that is between her, and her doctor, not anyone else. The right to privacy of medical decisions is tantamount to attorney-client privilege and should never be infringed upon.

To be so disingenuous as to say, ‘use birth control’ or, ‘don’t have sex if you don’t want a child’ is essentially saying: your sovereignty is not legitimate. Birth control is not 100%, and not all forms are available to all people, let me go back to the privacy part: if a woman wants to have an abortion it is none of your fucking business regardless of her reason.

I have tried to keep this free of emotion, and I hope that many states will adopt their own responsible laws on the subject to provide proper medical care for their women, but it’s hard not to. Chick Fil A stock probably rose 1000% today, you can still go there for breakfast, but remember those eggs are unborn, but very much wanted chickens. 

I just turned 35 and I was thinking about all of the negatives of getting older, and lower car insurance rates were not a benefit I would trade for youth. Upon reflection of isolation and getting Covid this week I realized that I had forgotten one of the rights I had gained. Look out America, I can run for President of the United States now!

So with that newfound opportunity, and some isolation free time, I decided to pen my platform for running in 2024. I’m a newcomer to the political scene so I have no special interests vying for my candidacy, although if you have read anything on this page you would know I will be running as a Democrat.

Son of two wonderful teachers from northwest Ohio, I am already a higher probability candidate than Biden is for re-election, so humor me at least. My platform will be based on liberal principals that I think the entire country could benefit from, not just the blue states. While I support the current president, I think it is unlikely he will be re-elected.

First, I will promote legislation for a national abortion rights bill, so that all women in the United States can be capable of planning their lives like men are. Part of this legislation will include funding for proper sexual education in schools to prevent unwanted pregnancies, preventing abortions from happening at all is a priority. It will also provide assistance to young women making a difficult, life changing health decision who cannot provide it for themselves.

Second, we will endeavor to prevent union busting practices from taking place, so that workers in this country can re-establish their sovereignty. The erosion of labor representation has caused the quality of life in this country to devolve since the years of Reagan and subsequent leaders to the point that people need to reimagine their workplace.

Third, In accordance with the Paris climate accord that we currently abide by, but can be stripped with a change in political power in Washington we will promote the conversion to green energy. The infrastructure of this country needs to be updated to support electric vehicles. Although this may not please all liberals, nuclear energy in safe areas will need to be a part of the transition to the next phase of our energy economy. When regulated, this is a far safer source of the energy that we need than fracking, and is essential to our independence from other sources.

That’s my starting point, I don’t feel that any of these proposals are unreasonable, and I think they would benefit most Americans. This is a simple proposal of ideas for my candidacy that will never happen, as I have no support as of yet. So far I have taken no contributions from anyone, but if you wanna buy me a beer, I’m your candidate.